Motherhood

THEN

I feel your back stiffen, a frown creases your brow. A pang of sympathy tugs my heart.

Something inside of your dreams has made you unhappy. Don't worry, baby, mama's here.

I hum your favorite lullaby. I smell the sweet shampoo scent in your fuzzy hair. My eyes mist over with tears that express an emotion too deep for words.

I pull you close to me and share my breath with you, your head warm on my breast.

Our hearts beat together in a rhythm. I look down at your beautiful face, I feel your muscles relax.

You trust me. You need me. I never thought anyone so tiny could be such a huge part of my life.

Did any mother ever love their child more than I love you right now?

I love you with every mollecule of my essence. I wonder if you feel me pouring it out over you, like liquid sunlight. I kiss your brow, smoothing out the wrinkles on your forehead.

You open your eyes, and we look at each other deeply. I can't wait to get to know you, to know the person that you will become.

A faint smile creases your perfect mouth.

Is it a smile, or is it gas? The experts disagree, some say one, some the other.

I prefer to think of it as an expression of pure contentment.

NOW

The windows shake with the gale of your angst.

You flood the floor of the house with the downpour of your tears.

It's not fair, life is not fair. Everyone else gets to do it.

No matter what IT is you should be able to do it too. You rail in futility against the guidance that you feel is restricting your freedoms.

Did any mother ever love their child more than I love you right now?

I pull you into my arms, I hum your favorite lullaby.

I stroke your hair, I share my breath with you.

I tell you that you can do whatever you want when you get your own home, but I hope you keep the small voice of my reasoning and comfort in the back of your head always.

I let you know that just like when you were an infant, I want nothing more to keep you safe and happy. Don't worry baby, mama's here.

I pour my love out over you. I feel it reflected back at me by the love i see in your eyes.

You trust me. You love me. And now that I know you, now that I see who you are and who you are becoming, I love you even more. If my love for you grows any bigger, it may explode.

I can't tell you that, though. Not yet. you'll brush it off as embarrassing. But someday, when you hold your own baby to your heart and share your breath with them, I will give this to you.

We look at each other long and hard. each with a tiny smile in the corners of our mouths.

Is it gas?